As a young, slightly awkward girl, with round cheeks, a big smile, and a Jewish star displayed proudly around my neck, I never truly felt like I fit in. It may have begun when my classmate called me a “fat Jewish pig,” or when I was constantly teased at the bus stop each morning for my looks or the way I spoke or for just being me, or later when our mezuzah was shattered to pieces in the middle of the night. This all took place in the beautiful suburbs of Minneapolis, Minnesota, with perfectly manicured lawns and neighborhood associations. 

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Just beneath the surface, I felt a level of hatred for things and people who were different. Being so young when I was exposed to antisemitism and bullying left me feeling confused and broken. I thought I wasn’t cool enough. I thought I was ugly and chubby. I would never be as stylish or athletic or attractive as my peers.

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Shortly after my bat mitzvah, I decided that I would show everyone just who I really was. I went on an extreme diet and exercised my tush off. Literally. I lost 20 pounds in just a couple of months at the age of 13. I remember so clearly the day that the same kid who had called me a fat Jewish pig told me that I was too thin — right to my face.

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That moment was revolutionary for me. As I have reflected on it over the years, it has helped me come to the conclusion that my life is not for anyone else. I do not have to prove my worth in order to be a human who is deserving of love.

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Between my childhood and this personal revolution were many years of brokenness and disconnection. Times in which I wish I’d had a woman like myself now to guide me. 

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By the time I was 23, I found myself married with two beautiful children. While I was mature in many ways, I felt disconnected from my true self. I didn’t fully step into my role in life, perhaps because of my age. New motherhood was a very confusing and sometimes-depressing time for me.

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After the birth of my first daughter, I was already dabbling in professional photography with my husband. Photography has always been a light that shines for me, even in the darkest hours. It’s a way to create and to express myself. A way to see the beauty in the mundane and help others see it too. 

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Boudoir photography came into my life while I was learning new photography tools online. I fell in love with the concept. It was the ultimate “dress-up” for women — professional hair and makeup, a wardrobe stylist, a glamorous photoshoot. The opportunity to look and feel like a model for the day. It wasn’t long before I coordinated an entire styled shoot, set up a Facebook page, and was photographing women all over the country and worldwide.

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My very first paid boudoir client could barely look at the camera when I arrived at her home. She wasn’t even sure if she’d be comfortable being photographed, let alone in her underwear. But there is something so natural for me about giving women the space to be vulnerable, in whatever way is meaningful for them. Seeing and photographing women completely exposed, with little to no clothing, being brave and showing up for themselves, is always so beautiful and inspiring, never strange or awkward. I’ve never felt uncomfortable with the nudity aspect of my work, and I think that energy transfers to my clients. 

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When this woman received her pictures, she said, “Is this really me? I am womanly. I’ve never felt that way before.”

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I cried. She cried. Then I realized that boudoir was so much more than a fun makeover day. It was important and meaningful. It had the potential to change and even save lives. I knew I had found my calling.

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For the past seven years, the women who have asked me to photograph them have made a deep impact on my perspective on beauty, female empowerment, and self-care. I’ve met women all around the world, each with their own stories and their own obstacles. I’ve learned so much — about the messed-up process it takes for a woman to get a divorce in Israel, about the emotional and physical impact of breast cancer, about countless mental illnesses I had never heard of before. I’ve learned how women’s upbringings have shaped their body image and sexuality, about women’s health, about motherhood, about menopause. I’ve learned about healthy relationships and not-so-healthy ones.

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Mostly I’ve learned that women have a beautiful common thread between us. Some may call it divine, the spark that resides within all of us. For me, boudoir photography is about reclaiming that spark in ourselves that has always been there. 

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It’s incredible that our tradition views sexuality and womanhood as holy. The idea of reclaiming ourselves reminds me of the mikvah, a spiritual renewal that many Jewish women practice after every cycle of their period. In this way, renewal is very much a part of Jewish life. It is said that G-d is creating the world every moment, which gives us the opportunity to re-create ourselves as if each day were the first day of our lives.

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Boudoir photography has given me the gift of seeing the world through a new lens, and I am a more genuine and whole person today because of it. The more that I met and photographed women, the less judgment I had about others, and eventually myself. I have realized that self-love was the one thing that could free me. 

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Some days I still wake up as that little girl, the one filled with self-doubt, the one who would write sad poetry and wonder why she didn’t have a place in the world. It's not true anymore, though, and it actually never was. My career has helped shape the confident woman I am today because I see my purpose more clearly than ever. When I look back on my life, I’m so grateful for everything that I’ve gone through and the compassion and strength it’s given me. I am able to put that into my work and give others the opportunity to come on this wild journey with me. 

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At The Well uplifts many approaches to Jewish practice. Our community draws on ancient Jewish wisdom, sometimes adapting longstanding practices to more deeply support the well-being of women and nonbinary people. See this article’s sources below. We believe Torah (sacred teachings) are always unfolding to help answer the needs of the present moment.

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Sources

Constant Reimagining: Using the Mikveh as an Opportunity for Renewal, Ritualwell

The Shekhinah, Tel Shemesh

Intimacy: Yeda, Chabad.org

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