The hardest thing for me to create while growing up was my own kehillah — my own community. I changed schools frequently because my parents couldn’t decide between private or public, or I’d age into another school. 

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Over the years, while there were a lot of people with whom I was friendly, I could never get friends as close as those kids who had known each other since kindergarten. I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I think it was because of how I was raised — or maybe how I wasn’t raised.

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My mother was Irish-Catholic and my father is East Coast Jewish. By the time they met and married in the early ‘70s, each had grown to place more spiritual value on the idea of treating others with loving kindness than on their respective religious rituals or practices. So when it came time to raise my sisters and me, they focused on helping us develop a strong sense of compassion for others, rather than a personal connection to a specific type of prayer service.

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For years, I struggled to find my place spiritually, and so I went searching for answers. I knew a great deal about my mother’s family history and our lineage tracing back to Ireland. There was so much pride in her family for their Irish heritage that it encouraged me to learn more about my father’s family, too. Since I knew he didn’t want to talk much about his personal experiences, I started studying Judaism more generally. I knew there would be value in learning about the faith and traditions of our people.

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I let myself be open to learning from and connecting with anyone and everyone associated with the faith — young or old, Orthodox or Reform — I could learn from them all. 

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Throughout my journey, I found many people who each lit a flame within my soul, drawing me closer to a light I couldn’t identify, but knew I wanted to be closer to. I discovered the best way to keep this flame within me burning was to surround myself with strong, competent Jewish women. But because I was neither married nor a college student, I struggled to find a group where I fit in.

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I committed myself to networking, and eventually I connected with some amazing ladies through Moishe House Phoenix. We started chatting via text message about different events we could go to together or simply just to wish each other “Shabbat Shalom.” We started a formal Facebook Group in November 2016 called Madams at the Well as a central place of information and to schedule meetings. When my friend, Alissa Mroz, introduced me to At The Well, we were able to use their resources, like their Moon Manuals, to give us more substantive content when we got together.

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Some of the Madams at their third annual Hanukkah Gift Exchange. Front: Lisa Marie, Alissa Mroz (co-founder), Rachel Freidus, Tisha Scherr. Middle: Mila Altman. Back: Aviva Levine, Lisa Fink, Jen Jalowiec Carrocci, Samantha Lieberman, Meghan Jalowiec (co-founder).

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These women became my lifeline. We connect in the group almost daily and meet up each month. We always show up for each other: for conversions (mine included), job promotions, weekend getaways, breakups, and the passing of loved ones. In 2018, I had to take a step back from our group to care for my mother during the end of her life. While our in-person gatherings took a pause, our online community grew ever stronger. And when my mother finally passed in July 2018, these women — these wonderful, caring women — showed up for me.

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It’s important to support other women and the best way to do that is to lead by example. If you want to see changes in the world, you first have to make changes in your world. In order to see yourself through your journey, it’s important to find a strong community of women that give you the support and strength you need to face your life from a more powerful place — like the women from Torah below.

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Ruth

I connect most with Ruth. Maybe because she, too, wasn’t raised in the Jewish faith, or because the first time I heard the infamous quote from her book was in my favorite movie, Fried Green Tomatoes:

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“And Ruth said, ‘Do not entreat me to leave you, to return from following you, for wherever you go, I will go, and wherever you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people and your God my God.’” (Ruth 1:16).

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Whatever the reason, Ruth stuck with me. In studying her story, we are reminded that family goes beyond bloodline. She was dissatisfied with the way her life was going and was attracted to the beauty of the laws and customs of the Jewish people. Our family can be whomever we choose to allow into our lives. Ruth is also a reminder that if someone chooses to follow the path of Judaism, they must do so for their own benefit and not because someone else requires it. When she insists to Naomi that she will not return to the land of her birth, she says, “Your people shall be my people and your God my God.” She doesn’t have anywhere else to go, because with Naomi and the Jewish people, she is home.

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Miriam

Miriam is the ultimate event planner, or rather, wrangler of the people. She is also the first female prophet; a strong, independent woman; and an early example of women challenging the leadership of men, in this case her brother, Moses. Miriam recognizes that effective leadership requires diverse perspectives and questions the idea that Moses is the only one to have heard the words of G-d (Numbers 12:2). Her boldness is punished both physically and socially, but the people still love her, for they remember that it was Miriam who sang them away from Pharaoh. Other than her brothers Aaron and Moses, there is no mention in the Torah of Miriam having any other family — no husband or children to speak of. Their absence reminds us that women can be impactful all on their own.

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Esther

I see Esther as a metaphor for adolescence. As we mature, we are often made to feel like we can’t be who we truly are, that we need to conform to fit in, to follow certain rules. I think everyone can relate to having to wear different masks at different moments in their journeys, or maybe even in a single day. Are you always your truest self at work and at home? Do you act the same way in front of your parents as you do your kids? Do you talk to your rabbi the same way you talk to your friends? I mean, I do, but only because my rabbi is one of my best friends. Esther’s story reminds us that sometimes we have to shield parts of ourselves for the sake of self-preservation. She also reminds us that when we see injustices in the world, we can have the courage to stand up for our communities.

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Whatever you want your Jewish life to look like, you are going to have to create it yourself. 

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That creation can be as simple as one relationship. Find your Miriam with her timbrel, or your Esther who will let you lay down your mask, or your Ruth who will welcome you among her people. You never know where that one relationship may take you. Embracing the laws and the traditions of faith are important, but cultivating a strong kehillah is a precious gift from the Divine.

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At The Well uplifts many approaches to Jewish practice. Our community draws on ancient Jewish wisdom, sometimes adapting longstanding practices to more deeply support the well-being of women and nonbinary people. See this article’s sources below. We believe Torah (sacred teachings) are always unfolding to help answer the needs of the present moment.

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Sources

Ruth and Naomi, Chabad.org

Miriam the Prophetess, My Jewish Learning

Queen Esther: A Purim Heroine, Jewish Women’s Archive

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